1. I love you but I don’t like you.
Most men will get involved with a woman romantically who they wouldn’t be around outside of a relationship because they separate the home personality from the public personality and consider a certain amount of drama inevitable when dealing with women.
2. Quit making excuses for your mistakes and relegating them to your rights as a woman.
Too many times women do disrespectful, inconsiderate, or malicious things and then use their “womanhood” and “rights as a woman” as all encompassing justifications for them and tell men to grin and bear it or just accept it.
3. If you’re the more intelligent sex when are you going to be as rational and reasonable as you are emotional?
Men find it hard to believe that women are more intelligent than them when a majority of a woman’s actions are based on emotion and feelings. Intelligence manifests as not only knowledge but as actions based on the understanding of that knowledge.
4. There’s nothing you can do to keep me from cheating, so stop trying.
Whether or not I cheat is based on what I want to do not on want you want me to do. At best you can influence my decision, but ultimately the final decision is absolutely and totally mine. So quit trying to figure out how to control me and just be with me.
5. If you don’t want us to lie don’t make it so advantageous for us to do so.
More times than not, men get a better and more desirable response from lying to women than telling the truth. Learn to appreciate and respond constructively to the truth even if it’s not flattering or pleasing and you would get it more often.
6. Don’t ask questions you don’t want honest answers to.
Don’t ask if you’re the most beautiful, sexually pleasing, best dressed, etc. that we have ever been with, when you know that any answer other than “yes” will lead into unwanted, unproductive, and hurtful conversation. Not to mention it will most likely spark a lack of confidence on your part.
7. Don’t ever ask me questions before, during, or directly after sex.
Sex is meant for sex and erotic language not conversation about the state and condition of our relationship or how much I do or don’t love you. Besides men are not going to give any answers that will interrupt foreplay, intercourse, or sleep. So don’t ask any questions that demand more than three word answers.
8. If you want something done in a specific way, tell me when you ask me.
Men can not read minds. If you ask us to do something for you and have a specific way you want it done or time frame you would like it done in, tell us. Don’t let us finish a task for you and then tell us what you expected and how you expected it and that you thought we knew it without you having to say it.
9. Show me the respect that I show you.
If you want men to consider your feelings, point of view, situation, obstacles in life, and circumstances do the same for them. If you want kindness, understanding, and compassion give them as much as you receive them. Give the same respect that you receive and demand.
10. If women didn’t have vaginas men wouldn’t put up with half of what they do.
If women did not have vaginas men wouldn’t put up with more than 1% of the issues and drama that come along with dealing with them. To feed our sexual drives and desires men will put up with things that they wouldn’t even take time to consider in other situations.
Blog provided by author of The Relationship Cookbook Anthony C. Rucker
“He was such a waste of time.” Women often say this after they’ve put effort into dating a guy and it didn’t work out. We have high hopes after that perfect first date, but after the newness wears off, and we’re left with the real him, it’s on to the next. And all we can think of is that now, we have even less time to find Mr. Right because Mr. Wrong knocked us off track.
Some women manage to hold on to high school sweethearts and first loves, but for the ones of us who don’t, months, years, a decade or so can go by while we are still single. And for most women, this is not the way things are supposed to go.
But looking back, can you imagine if you’d settled for the guys you met in high school, college, even two weeks ago! Women seem to think there’s a window of time they have to lock down a man, while men can reach the ages of 30+ before giving settling down a serious thought. Men generally take time to work on themselves and their careers first and let the woman meant for him come find him.
Why is it that women (in general) don’t think they can do the same? Why do women feel so much pressure to settle for a man just for the sake of being in a relationship or married?
I remember in high school looks meant everything to me. Who cares if the girl I liked couldn’t spell her name, if she was fine I wanted her. Ok maybe that’s a little exaggeration but you get the point. Lol. But the fact is back then I didn’t care about the substance of a female. Now as I have matured, physical beauty still has significance but there’s so much more I look for in a mate like confidence, respect, drive, spirituality, and personality. A woman’s physical beauty is simply a means of getting my interest, keeping my interest requires a lot more. As we get older, I believe the quality of being attractive takes on a new meaning. It’s more than how you look.
For women, attractiveness of a man takes into account his success and money. Am I lying? Well listen to this: A study was recently done on a group of women – they showed two separate groups of women the picture of the same guy but told one group the man was a waiter and the other group he was a CEO. Then had each group rate the man’s attractiveness and the group that thought he was a CEO rated the man much higher. The conclusion is that success and money play into women’s perception of attractiveness, even for women who aren’t necessarily “looking” for money.
Well how about men? Well natural beauty is not all that matters. (even though it is a huge part) Attributes such as intelligence, success, and personality are taken into account when looking at a woman’s attractiveness. I have dated women before that weren’t the best looking, but what drew me to them were the fact that they were either successful, very smart, or had a super cool personality. The issue is how often do men even get to the point of knowing these other qualities of the woman because our motivation to approach a woman in the first place is most times driven by physical beauty.
If you look at what men and women perceive as attractive, it’s a lot to request from a single person. This leads me to say that in looking for a mate, you have to give something up. For me, physical beauty is important but it’s not as important if she has so many other qualities that I look for. So how important is physical attraction to you? Out of you list of wants out of a mate, what are you willing to bend on? Are physical looks one that you can sacrifice if the person has all of the other qualities you want?
A wise person once said to me, “You have to go through the dark in order to truly understand and appreciate the light.” I truly believe this. I believe it applies to just about every area of our lives….especially our relationships. When entering into a relationship the unspoken expectation is perfection. You look for the perfect outfit for your first date. You pick the perfect flowers that capture and compliment her beauty. You prance around in a perfect pair of heels hoping to hold his attention. You wear the perfect cologne intending to exude confidence and charisma. Even the anticipation of future possibilities is perfect as you relish the essence of each unfolding moment.
While the euphoria of perfection may be commonplace amidst the newness of your relationship, reality will eventually nudge or maybe even smack you in the face. How can you know that your special someone is truly “the one” unless you’ve experienced some dark clouds hanging out over your relationship? How do you and your partner respond when what was once perfect begins exposing it’s imperfection? As often as most of us try to avoid pain and difficulty in our lives, it is the “going through” parts of our lives and our relationships that teach us to cherish the sweet times.
When you can see a person for who they truly are…flaws and all and still feel connected—that’s a good thing. When you can go through moments of intense conflict and anger and yet still manage to carry deep love in your heart for each other—that’s a good thing. When you can disagree with the one you love about something, realize that the two of you may always be in different camps on that issue and yet can’t deny how much you admire, respect, and even appreciate their point of view—that’s truly a good thing. In short, you need to go through a few things with your partner before you decide to go to the altar.
This is not to say that your relationship should be muddled in misery. However, if EVERYTHING has been peaches and cream and your relationship seemingly has sidestepped all strain and stress then you might want to think twice about taking the BIG step. But if you’ve been up and down, back and forth, and can still declare he/she is “the one” then you are off to a good start. If your relationship is worth having…..it’s definitely worth going through before you say I DO.
Blog provided by the Ma’at’s (http://bintentional.com)
Yesterday, a couple friends and I were talking and one of them threw out the question “What if you were about to get married in a few weeks and found out that your woman (future wife) had a past of being very promiscuous?” Would you still marry her?” I answered him by saying I would marry her. I don’t believe she should be judged on her past for things that were done before we met. Of course no one wants to end up in this situation but it does happen. Hey, the freaks and man whores you knew from college will likely one day be someone’s wife or husband. Lol.
There is one exception to my stance on the issue – I wouldn’t be able to move forward with marrying or even continuing the relationship if my woman has slept with numerous people I know and see on a regular basis. Other than that, a woman’s past is simply that – her past! One opposing argument is that a person’s past is a good indication of that person’s future. Well if this was the case, then maturation and change doesn’t happen. The fact is people do change and mature. Things that seemed fun to do and acceptable at the age of 22 may not be fun and acceptable at 30. People learn from their mistakes and grow as a person.
So what do you think? If you found out that your spouse had an unfavorable past by being promiscuous, could you get past that and move on or would it be a showstopper?
A member recently wrote me about a situation, he faced with someone he was dating. The story went like this:
I’ve been dating a woman for 2 months and we have been sexually active over the last couple weeks. In the beginning of the relationship, we had the talk about what we were seeking from this. I informed her that I had just gotten out of a relationship and was not ready to immediately move back into something deep but I was open to see how things progressed. She informed me she was looking to build something but she was ok with what I told her. Recently we had another talk and she indicated that she wasn’t pleased with what we were doing. She was displeased that after becoming sexually active, I am still not ready to jump into a relationship. She went further to say that since it’s doesn’t seem like we are building anything, there’s no point in us having sex anymore. She followed with “I’m not giving it up for free.” What does that mean really?
So I have to ask…What does that mean? Are women really out here giving it up thinking that the relationship will become more serious as a result? As in this case, the woman really views her sex as an asset. I guess she thought that the sex was just going to hook him. Lol. Well women, my view is that sex isn’t all that. Yes, we may like it a lot but it’s not going to be a major influence on a REAL man. A REAL man seeks deeper for things like good conversation, chemistry, career drive, and values. If he is not ready, he’s just not ready yet and that has nothing to do with you. BOYS may tell you what you want to hear just to get their rocks off but this guy did everything right. He told her up front where he was and did not send her down a path he wasn’t completely sure he could commit to.
What do you think? Is sex symbolic for relationship progression or is it just sex?
I hope everyone enjoyed the 4th of July weekend. I had the luxury of going out to Chicago for one of my friend’s wedding. It was a beautiful wedding I must say. One thing I noticed was that his wife had a Muslim religious background and my friend is Christian Baptist. I have seen the two of them together and their chemistry is something remarkable. I have never seen two people who fit so well together but I’m curious as to how they will handle their religious difference.
Before I go any further, I would like to say that I know everyone has different religious beliefs. Neither NYCBlackSingles nor this blog intends to pronounce any religion over another. I am Christian Baptist and the Bible has definite instruction on only marrying another Christian. Now I’m no Saint and I have not always followed the Bible’s instruction to a T but marrying someone who is not Christian is something I can’t do. One other reason on top of what the Word says is the dilemma of what religion my kids will be raised with. I asked my friend who got married on Saturday and he told me they agreed to expose their kids to both religions and to let the kids decide themselves. For me, that route is not sufficient. As the head of my household, it is my job to make every effort to ensure that faith in Jesus Christ is at the foundation of my household.
In saying this, I have sometimes dated women that had other religious faiths or even no religious faith at all but I was in the stage where I was not looking for a serious relationship. So what are your thoughts? Would you be open to dating someone who has a differing religious faith or would you X him or her out as a potential life partner? If you are open to marrying someone of another religious faith, how do you see handling the religious aspect of your relationship?
So yesterday I met up with an old female friend of mine to catch up. We are both single so the majority of our discussion revolved around relationships and challenges of dating. Not to say that dating is not fun but there are challenges when you are seeking something meaningful. She’s a beautiful, professional, and Christian woman. She does not have a list such as Chile, she’s willing to look past most physical imperfections (except for man boobs and a gut. lol), and she has a lot going for her.
So she was explaining to me her frustration with the reoccurrence of finding men that say and act like they are into her but in time they run away. They often give her the line that they are not looking for a relationship right now because they are focusing on their career. Oh, and one other fact, she has made the commitment to God to practice celibacy until marriage. She asked me for my opinion as to why this continues to happen. My first response was that even though they said they were ok with practicing celibacy till marriage, they really weren’t. My thought was that no man is going to own up to saying, “I like you but I have to have sex in order to continue dating you.” I mean that’s cool that a man wouldn’t waste a woman’s time because they need to work toward their career goals but I’m a man and I know if that one comes along that I really want, I’m going to find a way to make it work with that woman and maintain the progression in my career. But she says that her being celibate was not the issue.
So my questions to the fellas: Are the demands you are faced with in trying to advance your career so intense where you can’t fit a good woman into your life? If so, what is your view? Do you believe there are so many good women out there that you will find the perfect one when you are ready? Are you willing to accept that in the process of focusing solely on your career that you may miss out on that perfect woman? Women, have you had a similar situation? If so, tell me your thoughts.
In this episode of “Truth Paste,” James Hannah addresses what he considers a serious phenomena among women in the dating arena: average women walking around with dime mentalities. According to James, a lot of women are using the number of men who approach them as a barometer for how hot they are. As a result, average looking women start to develop “dime” mentalities and demand more of the men they date then what they actually have to offer themselves. But what about those women who are actual dimes but have other flaws? Is James suggesting that these women are more entitled to quality men just because of their physical appearance? No worries ladies, James addresses these women as well. Using Chilli from TLC as an example, James explains that although Chilli is very attractive, she is still 39 with a kid and because of that she needs to downgrade her dating criteria.
Could James have gotten his message across in a less insulting way? Sure. However, as blunt, vain and critical as his message was, I have to say, the man has a point. So many times, I hear men AND women throw out a laundry list of items that they require of a potential mate , i.e. He/She has to be XX height, look XX way, have XX job and have XX personality. However, most of the time, we aren’t able to reciprocate the very things we ask for. If you have a beer belly or a high school diploma then how can you insist that your potential mate have washboard abs and a PHD? To say that I see this ALL the time is an understatement. Salary requirements are a prime example. The other week, I heard a girl on the train say that any man she dates has to make at least 6 figures because she worked hard for what she has and wants to live comfortably. What blew my mind is that she herself didn’t make that. How can a person possibly require more than what they have to offer?
So am I saying that cute people should only date other cute people and the rich should stay within their own? Absolutely not. But what I am saying is that you should take a realistic look at your own circumstances before imposing a list of unrealistic benchmarks for the people you date.
In this episode of Oprah, Will and Jada Pinkett -Smith discussed how they managed to make their relationship work for so long. What interested me most about their discussion was Will’s message to the audience that “Every relationship should have a business plan.” According to Will, relationships must be more than “I like you, you like me, so lets be together.” There has to be a larger vision consisting of what do we plan to do in the next few years, what are our goals as a partnership, what is our relationship vision?
Makes sense, right? But what does this mean for us singles?
I think Will’s message can be applied to singles and couples alike. If I’m dating someone simply to go through the motions with no goals or plans and no idea of their intentions, then any future relationship with that person is destined to fail. Here’s an example. In a past relationship of mine, I dated a guy for one year. I knew exactly what I wanted: marriage in the next 3 yrs, kids in 5, home ownership, etc. However, I never communicated this to him. Then one night, he mentioned to me that he wanted to have kids in the next two years. “Oh, so you want to get married in two years, I asked.” His response? “No, just kids.” Translation: He wanted a baby mama. It also turned out that this man had no dreams of home ownership and was completely content with renting his studio apartment long-term. I suppose the nursery would be in the kitchen. The point is, our visions were completely different. And I see this happen ALL THE TIME. So many people who are dating are afraid of being vulnerable and asking the questions “What are we doing?” “What do you want in the future?” But without asking these questions, your relationship has no vision. You are simply going through the motions and sooner or later will realize that the two of you may want completely different things.
Now if your goal is an orgasm, then this message isn’t for you. But for everyone else, you need to find out right away whether the person your dating has the same vision as you. If they don’t? Get the stepping. But if they do, then the two of you need to set out a business plan. When do you want to have kids? Do you even want to be married? Do you want to start a business together? If so, When?
“Going with the flow” was cool when we were in highschool, but as adults, we need to ask smarter questions. Well enough of what I think, what do you think?
“He was such a waste of time.” Women often say this after they’ve put effort into dating a guy and it didn’t work out. We have high hopes after that perfect first date, but after the newness wears off, and we’re left with the real him, it’s on to the next. And all we can think of is that now, we have even less time to find Mr. Right because Mr. Wrong knocked us off track.
I remember in high school looks meant everything to me. Who cares if the girl I liked couldn’t spell her name, if she was fine I wanted her. Ok maybe that’s a little exaggeration but you get the point. Lol. But the fact is back then I didn’t care about the substance of a female. Now as I have matured, physical beauty still has significance but there’s so much more I look for in a mate like confidence, respect, drive, spirituality, and personality. A woman’s physical beauty is simply a means of getting my interest, keeping my interest requires a lot more. As we get older, I believe the quality of being attractive takes on a new meaning. It’s more than how you look. 
Yesterday, a couple friends and I were talking and one of them threw out the question “What if you were about to get married in a few weeks and found out that your woman (future wife) had a past of being very promiscuous?” Would you still marry her?” I answered him by saying I would marry her. I don’t believe she should be judged on her past for things that were done before we met. Of course no one wants to end up in this situation but it does happen. Hey, the freaks and man whores you knew from college will likely one day be someone’s wife or husband. Lol.
A member recently wrote me about a situation, he faced with someone he was dating. The story went like this:
